Parents Often Wait Until They're Desperate Before Seeking Help for Their Troubled Teen

Eugene O'Neill called it "A Long Day's Journey Into Night." The nightmare of living with drug abuse or alcoholism is like that for family members. Most parents with a teenager who is out of control stay in the nightmare for too long before they finally seek help. Most wait until the situation is completely desperate before using a residential therapy program. Their own lives become completely disrupted and they are in constant conflict with their child. They live in fear of things like HIV infections, drug overdoses, automobile accidents, unwanted pregnancies, and incarcerations. By the time they act, they are usually afraid for their child's life.

A dozen or so therapists working in therapeutic boarding schools or wilderness programs for adolescents recently shared what parents told them about their ordeals. These passages are in the parents' own words in letters to their children. To maintain confidentiality, there are no identifying factors.

A mother talked about her fears for her fourteen-year-old son:
Drugs are ruining my son's life. I am past being mad about it. I am heart-broken. I have a constant deep empty pain in my chest. I cried the night he was arrested and I have cried buckets ever since.

A father of a young teenaged girl allows himself to think the unthinkable:
I was surprised when I found you and your boyfriend in bed with a bottle of gin. I knew the day would come sooner or later but not at thirteen years old. I am aware of all the boys coming in and out of our house and I am afraid to think about where you are getting the money for your drug habit. That I can even consider that is impossible to me.

Three parents of "run-aways" remember their agony:
For weeks, I was so scared for you and I hoped that you were not being harmed or sexually abused when you ran away. I kept thinking about all those kids on TV that go "Missing" and I was so scared, and when you came home finally, I was so glad you were back. You had no feelings for me at all, and you said, "You never would have found me where I was hiding." My only hope is that this boarding school will help you.

Over the Fourth of July, your father and I got a phone call at 2 AM from the police that they had you in custody. Didn't you know that when you stole my car you were breaking a law because you don't have a license? I say, "Bobby, we are worried sick about you," and you say, "I'm glad." It seems every time you go out, we get calls from the police or juvenile detention center or people from some legal standpoint and you simply don't care about us. You will end up hurting yourself or getting killed or hurting someone else if we don't stop you. We don't want you away from home but you are giving us no choice in the matter.

You told me you went to school but you really ran away. You used my money to charge a train ticket to Connecticut where you were going to meet a girl and then the two of you were going to California together. Do you realize what it was like to go to the police, file a missing person report, and have you picked up at that train station? You said you just wanted to have fun. But these are not just teenage issues. You are only fourteen and look what's happened already.

A parent is tired of her child's stealing from her:
You are always stealing from us for your drugs. You took our credit cards many times and money is always missing from my wallet. I want to believe you when you say you did not steal any money, but you are always lying. I have to count my money every night, lock up my wallet and put passwords on our computer so you don't buy over the Internet. I can't live like this much more.

A business executive is ruining his career over his son's problems:
I have missed four weeks of work and also taking any vacations this year. I have had meetings with police, school counselors, and your principal. I have talked to police officers, judges and assistant district attorneys. I have gone to court, police stations, and I distributed missing juvenile fliers in your behalf all over our neighborhood. I spent days driving around the state looking for you when you ran away. Everyone feels sorry for me and your mother.

How do parents allow their teenagers to get into such serious trouble? Therapists explain that often the situation has been escalating for so long -sometimes years- that the parents completely burn out. They feel completely helpless, as if they have been swept into a permanent downward spiral. They are often too embarrassed or ashamed to speak with their close friends and relatives or even professionals such as their doctor or lawyer. Some are unsure where to get help.

Most parents do not want to send their child away for residential treatment. They are not ready to trust their child's welfare to complete strangers. They do not want to turn over the job of parenting to someone who does not love their child the way they do.

It is often only when parents reach the point that they fear for their child's future and life that they take that first step to get help. They may search the Internet for a therapeutic boarding school or wilderness program, join a support group such as Al-Anon or Narc-Anon or speak honestly with a therapist or doctor. It is then and only then that their teenager can find the road to recovery.